How I used lessons from abusive relationships to find my true love

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I sobbed. In March of 1994, I sat on the rounded arm of my teal green leather couch and I sobbed. Complete with ugly face and tears flying out of my eyes uncontrollably. Spit, snot, everything. I yelled, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!!” at the top of my lungs. It was my senior year in college and I lived in an apartment alone. Even though it looked as though I had it all together, I struggled with having healthy relationships with guys. I mean REALLY struggled. 

Up until that breakdown on my couch, I had been involved in a series of abusive relationships.  Starting in high school with being blatantly cheated on. Then on to my early college years dating insecure guys, one of which swore I looked at every guy’s crotch as he walked by.  This one is another story all by itself.  On one occasion, this same guy, right before I was to cheer at a televised college basketball game, slapped me so hard that he ended up leaving a visible mark on my face that caused my mother, who was 3 hours away at home, to call me immediately after she saw me on tv and ask, “What happened to your face?”

The guy I want to tell you about though, the one that sent me into the whaling ugly cry, had just chased me in my car.  I ended up pulling into a Taco Bell and running inside.  I was walking around with a look of terror on my face while people ate.  My thought process was to get in front of people so that when he tries to kill me, there would be witnesses.  Yes, I said “kill.”  Just 5 months before, this guy stood in the doorway of my bedroom with his hands behind his back as I studied for an exam.  His words to me at that moment,

“I don’t even know why you’re doing that. It’s useless.  I’m about to kill you right now.”

On the day of the car chase, he was waiting at my apartment when I got home and I didn’t want to get out of my car to go inside so I kept driving and he followed me.  I tried losing him but when I became afraid that I was going to cause an accident, I turned into a grocery store parking lot where the Taco Bell was located.  The manager observed me walking between tables crying and afraid then asked, “Are you in danger?”  He said follow me and guided me to the back of the restaurant where I waited for 2 hours to make sure my stalker of an ex-boyfriend had gone.  While waiting, the manager helped me call the police where I began the steps to place a restraining order on my ex.

I believe these relationship experiences were the reason that I had clarity later in life when it came to dating someone.  While these experiences were some of the worse times in my life, I have to be grateful for them because they taught me about myself. Ultimately, I was the one that allowed the relationships to become what they did.  I am not responsible for the actions that these guys actually did but I AM responsible for continuously putting myself in the situation. 

I ignored the red flags. 

The insecure guy skipped out on an amazing opportunity that involved him going out of town and being a part of a popular singing group but instead, he showed up at my door.  Instead of me encouraging him to go, I ignored the first thought I had of, “why would he do this? He’s crazy.” I then covered up that thought with, “aww, he really likes me.” 

The other red flags from my stalker were the many lies he told.  I was stood up by him so many times but continued to accept him back into my life.  These are the things that I did that showed them that I would accept their foolishness.

It was okay for them to treat me the way that they did

because I would take them back. 

After the moment on the arm of my couch, that all changed. After that good cry, it was as if I washed away my low self-esteem.  My mind shifted. I instantly felt empowered.  At that moment I decided that if I ever dated again, the second I didn’t like the way he made me feel, I would bounce.  I was worth more than how I had been treated. I deserved more.  I decided that I would be by myself before I let someone else treat me less than I deserved.

Fast forward 2 years later after moving out of state.  My focus was on securing my first job and once that was accomplished, I decided I’d open myself up to dating again.  I had to break down the wall I built around my heart about me and relationships.  I let go of my preconceived notions of what “my type” was and decided to be open to any guy who was 1. Nice and 2. Well-spoken.

I soon met a guy that was 30 years old (I was 26 at the time). He was down-to-earth, nice, well-spoken, and pretty easy on the eyes.  Our relationship was very chill.  I let myself like him but was also ready to peace out at the first sign of discomfort with this dude.  I thought we had a good thing going. I even considered him my boyfriend until one night.

He called me at work that day and asked if I’d be able to give him a ride to the hospital because he was playing basketball and had been hit in the head and needed stitches. I was unable to take him but I promised that I’d come to see him after work.  I went home, packed my things, stopped at the store to pick up some ice cream for my man, and headed to his apartment.  I arrived and called his apartment from the security system and he buzzed me in.  I couldn’t wait to see him and shower him with girlfriend empathy.  When I got there, I immediately changed into one of his t-shirts, made him a bowl of ice cream, and gave him a massage as he ate. 

Afterward, we laid down in his bed and talked about the day.  Our chat was interrupted by the ringing of his doorbell from downstairs. He seemed somewhat surprised, as did I, that he would have a visitor at that hour and on a weeknight.  He got up to answer it and when he did, I had the first small tug of doubt in my gut when I heard a female voice coming from the other end asking to come up because she wanted to make sure he was feeling alright.

I observed that I felt slightly uncomfortable. My thought was, okay, we’ve only been dating for a few months. We are not engaged.  I don’t need to be upset or jealous about this female coming to my man’s apartment at this hour.  He clearly had to find a ride to the hospital and I guess she was the one who was available to take him.  I supposed that if I were in her shoes, I may have come by to check on him too.  I let him off the hook.  Then the next test happened.  She asked to come up.  He said this would not be a good time.  I didn’t particularly like this response but again, I thought, I have no intention of marrying this guy right now, so why be upset for his choice of words here.  I then hear what sounds like her pleading to come up followed by his response of, “okay just for a few minutes.” Well, I thought, I definitely do not like this feeling I’m having right now.  I now began to mentally detach myself from this relationship.  Based on my past experience, I could see where this was headed if I stayed. 

By the time I had come to the conclusion that I would probably break it off soon, this chick was in his apartment while I lay in his bed. 

I am now saying to myself, “I can’t believe this sh*t.”  I proceed to get up and get dressed.  I was clearly stealth-like in my movement because I can’t imagine that they would have stayed in the position I found them in when I walked out of the door.  They were standing in the hallway.  His back was to me but I could clearly see that they were embraced in a hug because her hands were around his neck and his hands were around her waist.

My gut reaction was actually a giggle. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  Upon hearing me, she bolted out of the door.  I simply walked into the bathroom to grab the rest of my things and thought to myself, oh he’s screwed this up. He had a good thing and now he’s lost me. I thought, oh well, that’s the end of this relationship. I didn’t like his last name anyway.  The way I felt was so definitive.  I didn’t waffle in the least.  It was over.  I was amazed at how quickly I cut off my feelings at that moment.  I was done. 

I walked out of the bathroom to find him standing in front of the front door. He said, “Rhonda, don’t leave. I can explain.” I didn’t even want to talk to him but I opened my mouth and this came out, “there’s nothing you can say or do that’s going to make me want to stay with you. I left Dallas and a whole bunch of bullsh*t behind me and I’m not doing it here.”

I felt like Wonder Woman when I walked out that door.

In closing, I’d like to thank these dudes for these experiences.  They taught me a hard lesson, but it’s because of them that I was able to figure out what I wanted in a relationship. And now, I have 24 years of a beautiful relationship that I have only experienced laughter, teamwork, protection and love.