What to do When Friendships Go South

For the month of November, I wanted to show my gratitude to the friends in my life. On my Instagram, Facebook, and Fanbase accounts, I’ve been acknowledging my friends and letting them know how thankful I am for them. I really do know some incredibly smart and talented people that I can truly call friends.

 In the midst of honoring my friends, I thought about the people that I was once very close with but now, we are only somewhat cordial on social media. There was one friend in particular that comes to mind. We were inseparable as if we were sisters.  On my birthday just this year, I learned a somewhat disturbing piece of information that came back to jab me some 33 years later.

It was as if she stuck the tip of a knife in my back in 1988 and on October 13th 2021, she pushed it in and twisted it.

This is a story about friends, but it’s also about forgiveness. I have to give you the juicy details of why there even needs to be an act of forgiveness in the first place. But before I do, let me be clear. I’ve 100% forgiven this person. I sincerely have no ill will toward her. We actually have had some interaction in person and online since these incidents. As I recount these stories, I wonder how I even got past them myself. Notably, there was not just one incident with this friend. But in an effort to not lose your attention, I’m only discussing one story in detail in this post.

Dr. Bianca Busch

I shared these stories with Dr. Bianca Busch, adult & child psychiatrist and she said, “it’s pretty remarkable that you are even able to trust anyone.” I’m also sharing with others because #1, I find it therapeutic to write this to reinforce the fact that I’m over it and #2, I think the lesson here is huge and can help others.

Let’s get into the stories then we’ll discuss the lessons.

STORY #1 - The Cute Guy

My senior year in high school, my mom and I lived in an apartment. During the summer, there were 3 of us high school friends that hung out non-stop. They were my girls! Let’s just say that their names were Shondra and Deanna. We never got tired of each other’s company. At one point, Shondra was spending the night with me and my mom 4 days out of the week. 

 One summer day, my girls and I were on the patio of the apartment which faced the pool.  At the same time, we noticed this really cute guy with dimples playing volleyball with a couple of other guys.  We immediately figured out a way to get ourselves to the pool without looking like the obvious stalkers that we were. Before too long, we learned the cute guy’s name was Sean. Sean was a year older than we were and was in town from Chicago visiting his dad for the summer. We would see him at the pool every day.  Eventually, it became a daily meeting. We had a great time hanging with Sean and his friends. Just some good old summer fun you know?

Finally, Sean made a move. He asked me out. I didn’t even know I could blush that hard. And the butterflies…oh my goodness. Going out didn’t mean much but grabbing food and the occasional movie. My mom met him and thought he was handsome and respectful. She thought I’d finally picked a decent one. If you read my post, From Abuse to Love, you’ll know why my mom was suspicious of my choice of guys. Anyway, I digress.

Sean and I dated through the summer. Shondra, Deanna, and I still hung out. As it got closer to school starting, Deanna was around less and less. Shondra on the other hand continued to live with me and my mom. It really wasn’t a big deal. My mom didn’t have a problem with her being around.

Finally, school started. I thought it was odd that Shondra didn’t enroll in school with Deanna and me even though she said she was going to do so. Since the school Shondra would have attended started a couple of weeks after ours, I thought she’d make her way home later, but she didn’t. She continued to live with us. When I questioned her about this, she was able to give me some reason that sounded legit so I left it at that.

The school year was underway. Sean and I were getting closer.  Our relationship was simple and cool. I didn’t want to complicate things. Other than the occasional kiss, there was nothing sexual about our relationship. As the school year progressed, the homecoming dance was announced. Naturally, I asked Sean to be my date. It was such a great night.

As we moved easily along in our relationship, my feelings for Sean grew. I shared my feelings about Sean with Shondra and she was supportive. So I thought. One day I was at school and my mom was at work. I came home and Shondra was there. I wasn’t home for 10 minutes before she said, “guess what, Sean and I had sex today.” She gave details of the time and where they were when they did it. I listened, but because I wanted to appear as if I didn’t care, I remained stoic. Deep down I was hurt. Thinking back, it was strange that I wasn’t really upset with her. I took it as Sean was ready to go to the next level and I wasn’t there yet, so he had to do what he had to do. It just happened to be with his girlfriend’s friend. I was turned off immediately.

 I broke it off. I told him that I was going to college next year and I wasn’t interested in a long-distance relationship. I kept it moving and didn’t look back. Shondra finally went home. We saw less and less of each other, but we still talked on the phone and reconnected at the end of the school year. Shondra, Deanna and I would hang together again in the summer before college as if the Sean situation didn’t happen.

Fast forward 25 years and like everyone else on social media, you’re reminded of someone and you think, “I wonder what so and so is up to these days?” You know you’ve done it. You jump on Facebook or Google and do the search. OR someone you haven’t heard from in years finds you and sends you a friend request. This is how Sean and I reconnected. I was really glad to see his request come through. By this time, he is divorced and has a couple of grown kids. We also discover that we are living in the same state. Since my husband Brian is so cool, Sean has even been to our house and they’ve met. Hey, we’re mature adults here. Nobody’s feeling insecure about past relationships. Anyway…

Sean and I remain in contact on social media only until 2021 when he reached out via Facebook messenger to wish me happy birthday.  He then asked about my two friends from high school because he was now living in the same city where he and I met. I remind him of their names and I add, “you should definitely remember Shondra since this is where the mistrust began.” He replied astonished, “what are you talking about?” Now this was worth a phone call. The tone of his response made my jaw drop. Here’s the conversation:

Me: “You honestly don’t know what I’m talking about?”

Sean: “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

Me: “Well this is interesting because Shondra told me that she had sex with you.”

Sean: (Gasping) “WHAAAT? That NEVER happened! I wasn’t even attracted to her!”

Me: “Why would she say that then?”

Sean: “I have no idea. Why didn’t you ask me about it?”

Me: “Okay, you’ve got a point, but I figured since we hadn’t gone there that you were tired of waiting for me.”

Sean: “You broke my heart when you broke it off. I moved back to Chicago because of that.”

Me: “I’m so sorry. I really did like you.”

Sean: “Well I was in love with you. And I was a little hardened by that break up. It took me a while to open up to other women.”

Me: “I’m so sorry. Well, at least we are friends now.”

Talk about blown away. I was really taken aback by this piece of information. It took me a couple of days to wrap my head around this discovery. Since I had already forgiven Shondra, I wasn’t angry, I was just confused about why someone would do this to their best friend.

Story #2 – How I became a Jail Bird

Yep. I’ve been to jail. Very few people are aware of this. Shoot, I was trying to make sure I could get a job so why would I put this information out in the open? LOL.

To keep it brief, I was driving and was pulled over for, I still don’t know what, offense. Based on the city and state I was in, I can make a guess. But that’s another story.  Anyway, I was asked for my license and registration and I handed it over. The policeman walked back to his car. It was taking a really long time and I wasn’t sure why. Next thing you know, another policeman pulls up. The original officer asks me to step out of my car. Being extremely afraid and not thinking that I could ask why I was being pulled over in the first place, I got out. They asked me if I was aware that I had a warrant for my arrest?  I explained that this was the first time I had been pulled over and didn’t even have a ticket. I think you have the wrong person.

Come to find out, Shondra had been pulled over and when the cops asked for her license, she didn’t have it with her and then gave them my name! On the date she was pulled over, I was in California teaching cheerleading camps. The cops didn’t care and handcuffed me and took me straight to jail where I stayed for about 6 hours.  The absolute worst 6 hours of my life to date.

Story #3 - Getting Evicted

You would think that once I went to college some 3 hours away from my hometown, Shondra would become less involved in my life. But there she was. Somehow, she ended up moving in with my very best friend and me in our apartment. In true Shondra fashion, she managed to wedge herself between me and my best friend. I recall feeling like they just started excluding me from things. I felt left out and betrayed. I moved out to my own apartment. Shortly after I moved into my own place, someone broke into my apartment so right before the Christmas break, I moved into a dorm on campus. It was an all-girls dorm with community bathrooms. In hindsight, as a freshman, moving into a dorm would have been the best move, but the lesson had to be learned.

I moved my things into my dorm room. Even though it was a double room, I didn’t have a roommate at that time. There was still a couple of weeks before school was to begin, so I went back home to spend time with family.  After 2 weeks, I returned to school to find that I now had a roommate. I began looking around at my new roommates’ belongings to get a sense of who I was about to share the space with and began to recognize some of the items. Finally, I spotted her shower cap and realized it was my best friend’s shower cap! I was overjoyed! I couldn’t wait to see her. First, I was going to let her have it for acting like a jerk and then I was going to hug her and find out why in the heck she’d move out of the apartment. This is what she told me:

Shondra kept telling her that she was waiting on someone to send her the money to pay her share of the rent. That person never sent it. My friend ended up getting evicted and losing all of her things in the apartment. Shondra took all of her belongings out without warning my friend because she knew the eviction was inevitable as she never paid her share and wasn’t going to do so. So my best friend was left to figure out where to go. Her mom required her to live in a dorm and as it turned out, the one space that was available was in my room. We’ve been joined at the hip ever since.

I can identify 5 Lessons from these stories:

LESSON 1: Forgiveness is key – As Dr. Busch mentioned, I could have been the type of person that never trusted anyone. I imagine that I could have been a complete bitch in my relationships thinking they would all be like Sean. I also could have kept my true girlfriends closed out of any relationships for fear that another situation like this would occur. I let it go. Everyone makes choices in life that may not be the best. I’m no different.  Forgiving feels good too. You release the anger, frustration, and disappointment and you become lighter. Do it. Let it go. What situation are you still upset about? Release it and find your true tribe. I did.

LESSON 2: Talk to your partner. In hindsight, I should have asked Sean directly if this were true. I just took her word for it. When he pointed this out in our conversation on my birthday, I felt a little silly for making the decision to break it off without hearing his side of the story. BUT this leads me to the next lesson…

LESSON 3: The Universe/God/Source (whatever you want to call this energy), has a way of steering us in the direction we are to go. Although I really liked Sean and did see a future for us, that’s not how it was supposed to go. I had to go through all the other relationships to get to Brian and create the life and humans that we’ve created together. This is clear to me. Sean was a great guy but he wasn’t MY guy and there’s no need in being upset with Shondra for her part in our separation. That was the role she was supposed to play. With that said, she served her purpose in my life and I chose to walk away from a relationship with her as well.

LESSON 4: This story was good to share with my kids. Especially my daughter. I want her to be mindful of her friends. Take note of how she is treated by them and watch their actions toward others. Also, be forgiving if you feel like you’ve been mistreated and move on without hate in your heart.

LESSON 5: Your true tribe will be with you for life. They are the people that will know you like family and love you with all your faults, celebrate your wins, tell you when your outfit or hair looks crazy, and encourage you to go after your dreams and, cheer for you when you do. You won’t ever feel suspicious of their actions or motives.

In closing, human interaction is so important. I truly believe that our religion is Love. In order to thrive in this life, that’s what it’s all about. Love. And being able to love means you have to forgive others and forgive yourself. Carrying disdain for someone only manifests itself in you bringing with it a life of unhappiness and potentially illness. Let it go. Forgive and be a true friend.

I would love your feedback. Let me know your thoughts or share any friend stories of your own. Sharing is therapeutic.

Speaking of therapy, if you or anyone you know is in need of discussing emotional issues, please contact Dr. Bianca Busch and schedule an appointment.

Thank you!

 Please leave your feedback in the comments. I would love to hear your thoughts.